falling in love with being alive.

Most of the time, I get distracted. 

I get distracted by the never-ending checklists in my mind, the “what ifs” and “maybes”. 

I spend so much time immersed in my thoughts; I forget about the present. 

I forget that I need time for myself.

Time...

To stop. To stop my mind from wandering off to someplace unknown. Someplace where I can’t control anything. Someplace that’ll only make me more anxious than I already am. 

To breathe. To breathe and calm myself down, reminding myself what is important right now, what I CAN control, and what I truly want to be doing at this point in my life. 

To reflect. To reflect on the past and affirm myself. I am proud of my accomplishments, how far I've come and how much I've learned. 

I often try to dismiss the recurring thoughts of when I believed to be at my happiest. It's my mind, trying to tell me to focus on what is giving me my only sense of comfort. It is telling me not to get absorbed in the good memories, and to focus on keeping my head above the water. 

But sometimes, I want to let go.

I want to sing in my bathroom with no care in the world. I want to spend time with the people I love without feeling empty or unproductive. I want to feel safe and comforted without reassurance from something or someone else. 

Though these feelings of bliss approach me often, they are consistently buried by the all-consuming urge to revisit the “what ifs” and “maybes”.  They make sure I don’t have my head over the clouds. 

And as a result, I start living day by day, hoping that maybe I’ll get through tomorrow without feeling like the world is going to end. I’m sure many people live that way. Existing, but not alive. 

However, I refuse to watch the fleeting moments that I have been given, be washed away, just like that. 

I want to fall in love with being alive again. 

What about you?