my dearest friend.

There was a time when I used to bury myself in piles and piles of stress and anxiety; trying to contort myself into a mold that would eventually turn me into someone everybody liked. 

It was the simple things that made me feel the tiniest bit more secure about my position in the “hierarchy” of popularity.  All these included saying ‘yes’ to almost every favor, every question, and every unnecessary task; constantly spending time on others and showering them with my efforts; putting everyone’s needs- aside from my own- first. 

I didn’t notice that all of these minor actions that allow others to feel appreciated and relieved, could unintentionally be stab wounds to my own self.  I was unknowingly sabotaging myself into a never-ending spiral of self-hate, insecurity, and the need for constant validation from others. I didn’t understand that there was a very fine line between being “friendly” and “superficial”.

Even after the realization, it was, and is, still hard for me to stop trying to serve others in the hopes that I would earn a small fragment of validation from them. However, I have also realized that comprehending your self-worth and identity is a learning curve. 

There will be ups and downs, days where you feel completely lost, and days where you feel like your best self. Sometimes you want to abandon all progress and jump straight back into the toxic circle of begging for reassurance. It’s normal. All part of the process. 

A journey of self-love and self-affirmation is not always going to be a smooth sailing one, but the product that is received after this journey is one that you can never get elsewhere. 

It’s the gift of being your own dearest friend.